We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
