alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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