apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
