my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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