At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
