i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
