I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
