Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
