Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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