I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
