the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
