I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
