you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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