After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
