Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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