just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
