My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
