The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I want to be your penis for a week.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
