Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
