sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
