Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Come share oat with me in your robe
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
