Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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