He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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