He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
