You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
