My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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