His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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