I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
