And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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