I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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