I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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