Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
