oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
