The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
