UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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