I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
