I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
