btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
