There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
