ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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