I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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