dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
