Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
