Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
