I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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