You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize