life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
