dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
