I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize