i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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