I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
