My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
