i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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