I cannot find my penis.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize