The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there's paper in my vomit.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
