do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
