you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
