Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
