We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
